The Shadowing Of Haruhi Suzumiya
by TheBeesTheBees
Summary: Set after 'Surprise' speculative/ new character . What seems to be a brief respite from the worlds of aliens, time travellers and espers takes a turn for the worse as a bizarre student appears and piques Haruhi's interest. updates: editing and next bit
1. Prologue

_The shadowing of Haruhi Suzumiya_

_Disclaimer: I do not own the copyrights/ trademark associated with the Haruhi Suzumiya franchise, or any of its characters. This story is for non-profit purposes only. I would also like to apologise in advance to those who are offended by this story, and welcome their advice in regards to ways in which I can improve the quality of this document. Enjoy._

**Prologue:**

"Didn't you guys make a **** film?"

The girl beside me looks as if she is going to explode at these words. Puffing her chest out like a balloon, her eyebrows raised sky-high, she is ready to unleash her ultimate attack.

I look at the person who said this. To all appearances, he looks like a regular second year North high student; sleeves rolled up, tie to one side and holding his blazer over his shoulder by the collar. From the ankles down and the neck up is a different story.

His sunglasses reflected a twisted version of the world before him. I couldn't tell you what expression was on his face, because his "skin condition" would not allow it, but I felt a certain degree of pity for this strange person. These would probably be his first and last words to the Almighty Haruhi Suzumiya, who appeared to be taking them as heretical doctrine.

Later, when we received our photographs back, I would stare frustrated at this person who had been living in the corner of my eye for so long, "prescription sunglasses" gleaming back at me like the mocking eyes of a cat that had caught sight of a chick that had yet to grow its wings. Just who was he? That probably wouldn't matter for much longer. Some accident would find this poor fellow that had made the unfortunate sentence.

I can't say that I didn't try to prevent this from happening, but it would appear that this person also happened to be of a fairly low intelligence, not having realized who or what he was talking to. As Haruhi continues to power-up, I can only sigh.

"Oh boy."

(As to the ****; if you haven't worked it out by now, you should probably read onwards if only to find out what I mean. However, I must warn you that the stupidity of the prior events and those ensuing from this trigger become only worse. Much worse.)


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

It all began in the May of my second year in North High, just after Golden Week. Classes had been interrupted by the school photos that were taking place by class. I felt thankful that this was cutting into the maths and physics classes that were the first two periods of the day.

Every second year class was lined up in the gym and put into rows, like the rank and file of a phalanx formation. Each class, starting with 2-1, would walk up onto the stage and be forced to stand on some ancient looking stands while the equally ancient photographer would light up the forced smiles on the students' faces once or twice, before they would walk off the stage like an ensemble orchestra after its final piece, and return to their respective class. Currently, class 2-3's photo was experiencing delays due to technical difficulties.

As I watched the photographer and his assistants fiddled about with the camera as if they were defusing a bomb with a short time limit, I couldn't help but feel that that we were using candles in the age of the light bulb. Surely the school could use some digital imaging software and cut and paste the students' faces onto some stock pictures of students' torsos?

If you are asking yourself why I was having such conflicting thoughts, to recite an old saying "with every blessing there is a curse." If that is not enough, the sharp pain that sprang into the back of my head and the person responsible will answer your question. I turned around and stared into the face of Haruhi Suzumiya, rubbing the recently tender area.

Weirdly, she looked surprised. She had also adopted a weird position, with a finger on her temple and her other arm outstretched, she looked as if she was some mischievous witch attempting to read someone's inner thoughts. Don't tell me-

"What?"

I asked, controlling my tone. Any conversations with this woman in amongst other people should be kept at a reasonable noise level, or preferably not occur in public.

After blinking for a few seconds, her lips crept up into a smile. Always a bad sign.

Before I forget; as you already know my name is nowhere near "Suzumiya" on the class roll, the explanation for this incident being a computer error had slotted me in just in front of her. I was given no explanation was to why it wouldn't be simpler to allow me to take my proper place, and simply shuffled in without fuss. Perhaps these things should be sorted out via lot; I seem to have better luck with that method than anything else.

"So..."

She said she folded her arms and began rubbing her chin, peering at me with curious eyes.

"So what?"

She snapped her fingers together and pointed at me, like a detective revealing the criminal.

"My ESP reached you then!"

"No, it was you flicking me in the back of the head that got my attention!"

Unamused by my reply, she folded her arms, turned her head to the side and pouted like an ill-tempered kindergartner who had found out that Santa Claus didn't exist.

"Spoil sport!"

She moaned and folded her arms behind her head before continuing:

"It's just so boring waiting for those old fools to fix that camera. I mean, why couldn't we at least do this outside?"

She said, pointing towards the double doors; oblivious to the torrential downpour that was occurring.

The weatherman had said that this was the leftovers from a typhoon that had made its way up from the equator, causing the country to be blanketed in black clouds and the heavens to open up. There was talk of potential flooding in some areas, so for once I was glad that this school was up high on the hill that was proving to be the least of my struggles. I secretly played back the memories of the past few days to see if anything had occurred that would warrant such an event occurring from anything other than an extremely low pressure zone and warm ocean water. I was inconclusive.

"If you're bored, entertain yourself."

The sound of a firecracker rang in my ears as someone snapped their slender fingers close to my face.

"I know, Kyon! We can dance our boredom away!"

Why do you immediately assume that I would agree to such a crazy suggestion? What am I, your trained monkey? Don't answer that.

As she began to make those movements that would be forever burned into my memory and hum that annoying tune, I knew I had to stop her. If anyone had witnessed the dance that the SOS brigade performed within the confines of the clubroom, we would probably be the laughing stock of the school if Haruhi wasn't so intimidating. Just how embarrassed would I be if someone saw it? Let's just say that if it were to be recorded and distributed amongst the general populace, I would find and destroy every copy personally.

That reminds me, there is still that recording on the computer alongside the rest of the miscellaneous junk that Haruhi seems to download onto it. Perhaps she won't notice if it mysteriously disappears into the recycling bin.

I put my hand on her shoulder while she was bewildering the student behind her.

"Haruhi,"

I began, putting on the smile that I would later use for my photograph.

"Don't you think it's a little early to be doing that in public? I don't think we are that well-known that we can start randomly dancing in public without suffering major embarrassment."

She stopped her prancing about.

Had my words worked? The student that was facing her was no help. Her face clearly said: "what the hell is going on?"

"Fine."

Fine?

She looked over her shoulder at me.

"You are right. Such a thing should be saved for a momentous occasion, and not displayed in public so easily!"

Haruhi gave me an accusing glare. What? You're the fool that started prancing around so suddenly! Whatever, I'm not in the mood for arguing with you right at the moment.

I shrugged and turned around.

A few seconds later she prodded me in the back.

"Don't you think that the technology of today's standards would render such an exercise pointless? Surely digital imagery and whatnot would be capable of generating a stock image with our faces in it? Sometimes being at this school is like using candles in the age of the light bulb."

No comment. However, you did manage to lower your voice for that last part. One might say you are developing something of an "etiquette." Let my mental applause congratulate you on this.

She sighed and began mumbling to herself something like "why couldn't that typhoon have reached us a day later?" I briefly sized up the odds of "Haruhi v. Typhoon," concluding that if she put her mind to it, even water molecules would break ranks and scatter in fear of the mighty SOS brigade leader.

Upon this deduction I prayed somewhere, someday something would appear that would be her match. Whether or not it was the slider, who I had yet to encounter, probably wouldn't matter. I had a feeling that group would probably be as useless as Koizumi is in recognizing personal space boundaries. Having yet to show their faces, they were probably not that important after all.

I became lost in these troubling thoughts as the minutes ticked away, and the photographer's struggle continued. I heard Okabe-sensei begin to yawn very loudly, before realizing his place and cutting himself off. I sympathized with him momentarily, before descending back into a trance caused by the hypnotism of monotony.

The squeak of the gym double doors being opened and the sound of the heavy rain on the roof increasing to drum-solo standards roused me from my waking slumber.

"If you turned up this late, you might as well have skipped the whole thing!" Was what I expected a teacher to say to the tardy student.

All I heard was the rustling of a piece of paper being handed over and a few quiet murmurs, as if a conspiracy was afoot, and that secret documents were being handled. The next sound was much less subtle.

_Squeak, squeak, squeak_... The sound grates against my ears! Was this the sound Edgar Allan Poe was referring to when he wrote "quoth the raven"? And why hadn't anyone else raised their complaints!?

As that infernal squeaking gets closer, I feel like I'm going to explode like a Hydrogen bomb! It's worse than someone running their fingernails down a blackboard, or even the high pitched screech of a Brazilian Vampire bat!

Just as I was about to turn around, grab this idiot by the shirt and tell him "lift your damn feet!" I heard a much softer sound come from directly behind me that filled me with dread.

"Eh!?"

Haruhi gasped in surprise.

For me, who had been glued to her side for so long, it was the sound of the trigger being pulled from the gun that shot Kennedy, or the button being pushed that launched all the nuclear missiles from Defcon-5. That one sound meant that she had set her sights on something, and a world of trouble for (if things didn't go her way) the universe, and me of course.

Then again, it could really just be nothing. Maybe just a strange shadow caused by a flash of lightning?

I'm really clutching at straws here. If anyone has a better idea, please tell me!

I couldn't take it any longer. Like a scene ripped right out of a Z-grade horror film, I slowly turned my head to face whatever it was, recalling the words that I had once said to myself: be it loch-Ness monster, yeti, ogre, kappa, Integrated Data whatever, or secret esper agent; no matter what comes my way, they could bring it on!

I still had to do a double-take. Evidently someone had hit the pause button and rewound the tape to capture the look on my face. I turned back and sighed, covering my face with my palm.

Oh, boy.

How to describe this person? The first word that came to mind and almost slipped out of my mouth like Egyptian Plovers having finished cleaning a crocodile's teeth; was _idiot!_

Wait, let me start again…

My father had once said that the best judge of a person's character was their shoes, unfortunately I couldn't recall by what standard or mean one was meant to judge such things or how one was to do so. Perhaps there is some kind of graph I can reference? Argh, I'm stalling! Alright, if there was any one thing that could be drawn about his character from his shoes; it was that he wasn't wearing any. Instead, flying in the face of uniform regulations and good taste, he was wearing rubber thongs, the kind one would wear at the beach, or on a hot day and could be bought from pretty much anywhere. Not the kind you would wear for a school photo, or in the middle of a storm.

Obviously, his socks were drenched. Water was trailing behind him as if someone was dragging a wet sponge over the polished wooden floor. As he drew closer, I could hear the squelching of the water being pushed out of his socks, which combined with the squeaking into one irritating symphony. I have no doubt that the masters of sound are spinning in their graves right at this moment.

Alright, moving on up to his pants. They were the ordinary grey pants of a north high student, dry for reasons I'll elaborate on in a moment. Nothing exciting or strange about them. The only thing of note was a black cord coming from the pocket closest to the line which ascended like an underfed giant leech up to… I'm getting ahead of myself. One step at a time.

Next was his torso. He was wearing the regular white shirt and red tie that any male North high student was expected to wear. Out in front of him he held a binder notepad, of which he held particular interest in as his head…Anyway, judging from the characters on the page facing me, there was a list of names in almost robotic writing. I disregarded them, as there was no way anyone like this could make it into class 5 without me noticing.

I relaxed a little.

Over his shoulder, and the thing that had kept all but his feet dry was his blazer, fresh from the drycleaners and covered in a long, almost invisible sheet of plastic, if not for the rain drops that covered it like a radar reading which would make a commander very nervous. I could smell the Chlorofluorocarbons from where I stood. It didn't take me long to realize that he would have had to had his back to the rain _the entire time_ for this to be effective.

Speaking of Commanders, Haruhi was leaning out of the line like a small child that was trying to make the most of the circus parade, as it walked past us to the beat of a hidden drum.

At the moment, you are probably worrying what all the fuss is about. Wearing thongs to school and getting your dry cleaning isn't really the kind of behaviour to scream like a howler monkey at. If I had read the previous description, I would have assumed that Taniguchi had lost his shoes. I guess what I'm saying is that it certainly isn't Taniguchi, because he's sticking his head out further along, probably saying to himself "what the hell?"

In fact I didn't know who it was, and if I saw them again I wouldn't know it was them.

You see, in ancient times there were a certain breed of people who would take it upon themselves to serve in the shadows of this nation, and they were characterized by a certain kind of costume and face covering...

Alright, the moron's dressed like a ninja! Black head and face covering, sunglasses...

What!? Forget the anachronistic nature of the item, the fact that he's wearing it in this kind of weather speaks volumes of the magnitude of his idiocy!

As I observed this strange being, I couldn't help but feel like Moon after being thrust into the miserable shoes of the bumbling Hound; trying to solve the unsolvable while behind me Puckeridge is holding all the cards. Even though she's not aware of it. Would that make this person Birdboot? No, Koizumi's that kind of useless. Maybe he's the one who shot Simon, one of the many loose ends in this absurd play finally coming to light? Forget it, my head hurts from just looking at him.

Thankfully, he noisily made his way past me, not before giving me a side-long glance.

"Why are you glaring at me, and what's with those eyes? Don't tell me, you've put red contacts in for this crazy prank, right?" Was what I would have asked if I didn't usually ignore this kind of person. That seemed to be what most people were doing as well.

What secret technique do they use?

As his back receded, I began to wonder... Hold on, why is he coming closer? He hasn't even turned around!

I looked back at his feet, it seemed like they were moving forward, but the motion was pulling him backwards. _He's moon walking?_ I thought as my level of bewilderment increased.

Was he some kind of apparition sent by one of the many gods the SOS brigade has offended? Some induced hallucination by poisonous fumes?

As he slid back past me, I felt a strange, as if this had all somehow happened before. It was not Déjà vu, as that endless summer had granted me an acute sense for such a sensation. No, it was something like it, but different.

The memory surfaced:

"My name is Haruhi Suzumiya. I graduated from East Junior High. I don't have any interest in ordinary people. If anyone here is an alien, time traveler, slider, or esper, please, come see me! That is all."

Nostalgia.

You have to be kidding me.

It would seem that this person, without saying a word (to say "without sound a sound" would be incorrect), looking like they had just stepped out of a martial arts movie and had probably spent five minutes in total on planet earth, had given off the same bizarre energy that Haruhi had one year ago. That business with the "Anti-SOS" had sort of ruined the anniversary of such a momentous occasion, however. But it seemed, as usual, that "this is not a joke" would still apply.

Maybe this was a belated anniversary gift? Haruhi seemed to think so as he slid into line behind her.

As if performing a dance number (once is enough for that memory!), Haruhi and I both turned around to face this person. I was only doing this to prevent things from getting out of hand. At least not much further than they already were.

"Hi~! My name's Haruhi Suzumiya!"

She said in a voice that reminded me of a teacher introducing themselves to a pre-school class, shooting her hand into the air in an over-enthusiastic greeting.

"Beware off-worlder, ye may see a pretty picture, but behind yon painting lies the grinning devil!" I would have said if this were an RPG. Unfortunately only my facial expression; that of constant pain; would have to suffice. He didn't heed my warnings.

The ninja, or should I say idiot, was looking down at that mysterious notepad; seemingly ignoring her for a few moments before his burning eyes looked up.

"....."

Does he always glare like that? Perhaps that is why he is wearing such strange gear to hide his appearance. For some reason I was reminded of that Sneering Bastard, and pictured him in similar clothing. Nope, I definitely haven't seen this person before.

"Good."

One syllable. Not a reciprocal of the greeting, and in a voice that would suggest he wasn't the type to be trusted, if can you take my word for it.

"I'm not lost then."

Are you Nagato's relative?

Not taking a moment to consider his strange words, Haruhi charged onwards like the Mongol hoard.

"What's your name?"

Your tone is far worse than his thongs.

"Ryu."

He said.

Ah, so you brought this rain with you. Have you come to bestow gifts? If so don't give any pearls to the girl in front of you, she'd probably stick it into her mouth and become even more of a problem!

"Oh? And what's your first name?"

More of a command than a question.

"It starts with 'S.'"

"And...?"

"That's all you need to know."

Boom! A crash of thunder! Well, not really, but it would have fitted quite well with the mood. I could only imagine what Haruhi's face must have looked like, but her exceedingly annoying tone remained level, which must of meant she looked like a female version of Koizumi right now. Why is it that he is at the front of my thoughts so often? Probably because nothing about scenes like this, other than 'Ryu's' mono-syllabic responses remind me of Nagato, my guardian angel, or the heavenly beauty of Asahina-san. His annoying mannerisms seem to relate to this situation quite well.

"Can I see that notepad?"

The masked person obliged. Obviously he was too stupid to realize that this was a clever trick done in order to learn his name. He turned the pad towards us.

I take that back.

The list of names continued regularly to about halfway down the page, where, underneath "Suzumiya Haruhi" was the character for "me" or "myself." If this was on purpose, I would say that he had a masochistic sense of humour.

Even that wasn't enough to derail the Haruhi train as it glided over every coin, rock and ninja on the track.

"You can put that away now,"

The pad ominously disappeared into his pocket. Can he do anything without making it seem like he's going to draw some secret weapon?

Haruhi began looking him up and down with her right hand over her face, as if he was some rare specimen of flora, fauna, or frozen iceman.

"So, where did you transfer from?"

Going for the transfer student angle, eh? Sorry, that position has been filled by one Itsuki Koizumi. Why can't I stop thinking about him!? Is this some sort of weird esper magic? I made a solemn vow to beat it out of him later.

"Transfer?"

He raised his head, hiding his spooky eyes behind his sunglasses and raised one eyebrow. It was a surprisingly effective mode of expression, considering most of his face was missing.

Haruhi was becoming impatient, that same hand was now pressed against her temples, like she was getting a migraine from such a slow conversation.

"You know, the school you used to go to!"

The response was automatic:

"East middle."

Haruhi made a sound like she'd swallowed a fly and froze in place like one of those ash imprints from the Vesuvius eruption.

Perhaps you aren't such a great detective after all, Sherlock.

"Hold this."

Seemingly ignoring the impact of his words and who he was talking to, Ryu hung his covered blazer on Haruhi's raised hand. The terror of North High had been reduced to a coat rack. Forget all those fake pictures of Bigfoot and the Loch-Ness monster, this was the real deal! If only that camera was working...

A tapping sound brought my thoughts back to reality, as the mysterious cos-player (the best classification I could think of) kicked on a pair of near-reflective shoes. Although astonished I took care to notice that on the heel of his right shoe the word "Heaven" was written in kanji.

No comment.

I looked at the female student behind him for a point of reference. She was staring at his back, wide-eyed and pale, as if there was some gory movie being projected onto it. Probably one mystery I don't need to know about.

He took his blazer back from Haruhi (still the coat rack), with a "thank you," removed the plastic wrapping which he sent flying into a nearby bin with an alley-oop, along with the complimentary coat hanger and proceeded to put it on, as if nothing had happened. In all honesty it looked more like a gangster dusting himself off from a brawl than a student trying his jacket on.

With that event, Haruhi sprang back into life like an insane wind-up doll that had had its key recently returned to it. She began pointing at Ryu's various "features" as if they were holes in a leaky ship.

"What's with the mask?"

"Skin condition,"

What? Eczema? Sclerosis? Leprosy? Don't tell me it's just a stubborn pimple!

"The sunglasses?"

"Eye condition."

"Gloves ?"

"Hand condition."

Ah, yes, the gloves. They looked like the kind of gloves that were made by people who didn't know the meaning of the word "glove." They were black, fingerless gloves with holes over the knuckles. The kind that you would probably see in, well... Kung-fu films, or combat manga and served no practical purpose.

What kind of excuse was "- condition" anyway? I was suddenly (and pleasantly) reminded of Asahina-san's radiant features and cheeky look she gave whenever she said "Classified information."

Maybe this was some kind of mental conditioning? Since I sincerely doubted he was just screwing around.

"And you're in class 2-5?"

"Yes."

"And you went to East Middle School?"

"Yes."

If this were a Comedy Western, there would probably be a whistle of wind and a ball of tumbleweed would bounce past to break the awkward silence. The audience would then laugh and cheer.

No such luck.

It seemed like Haruhi had gotten herself stuck in a loop, because she started to point back at the mask, probably opening and closing her mouth like a stunned goldfish, before Okabe-sensei appeared out of nowhere.

"Making some new friends?"

He clapped his hand on Ryu's shoulder. Who was he talking to, Haruhi or the cos-player? Wait, he used the plural form in the present tense, therefore...

"Maybe."

The ninja replied.

This managed to get a chuckle out of our homeroom teacher, who winked at me.

Ah, Okabe-sensei, your dedication to your students, even to the two bozos in front of me, is admirable. Unfortunately, you should direct your attentions elsewhere, these two are lost cases.

"Well, it looks like we're moving up now,"

He twirled his finger in the air as if to say "turn around."

As I did so, I could hear Haruhi give a loud and irritated "hmph." Don't worry Haruhi, I felt like saying, anyone who dresses like that is obviously trying too hard to get some attention, skin condition or not, and in reality, there's nothing mysterious about them. The lucky bastards.

So, we were ushered up onto the stands, Ryu was selectively ignored and we all gave our best impression of Koi- (Damn it!) I mean, best show of our pearly whites. Except Haruhi. She had obviously eaten something sour within the past five minutes.

I couldn't resist thinking that it was her own medicine.

*

"Wipe that dumb look off your face!"

Haruhi scowled at me as we walked off the stage.

What did I do?

"You look like you're about to laugh at something really stupid!"

I don't know what you mean.

She forcefully grabbed me by my tie, and dragged me out into the cold, unpleasant... Humid, sunny Spring morning.

_Did an abnormally large high pressure zone pop-up while we were waiting?_ I wondered as I stared up at the broken clouds whilst in tow. It was better not to think about what Haruhi was up to when she had you by the tie. All kinds of horrible things came to mind.

Then I saw her objective.

"I'm sorry, but holding your blazer like that doesn't hide your damn mask!" I felt like screaming at this unfortunate person.

Like a heat-seeking missile with a target lock on a crop-duster aeroplane, we zeroed in on the _other_ eccentric student.

What happened to his thongs by the way? Did he throw them out? I feel it necessary to focus

on something terribly mundane in order to combat the infectious strain of insanity that is floating about.

"Who cares!?"

I imagine Koizumi (damn him!) was being evacuated by a Self-Defence-Force helicopter in order to combat the rampaging giants within the Sealed Reality at this moment. R.I.P. you grinning moron.

"Hey, you!"

Haruhi stopped so abruptly that I nearly ran into her fist. Please take more care of the people you have in tow! I would at least like to leave a recognisable corpse!

The masked person in front of us stopped dead in his tracks. I hadn't noticed this before, but he was actually quite tall, it was just that he walked with a slouch, probably gathered from years of sitting poorly. But it only furthered the strange appearance, making it look as if he was always talking down to you similar to the posture of a shady con-man.

Extending her free powerful arm (as the other one's hand was gripping my tie like a G-clamp, forcing me to bow when she lowered her arm), she pointed at the poor fellow like one who was about to dispense justice upon a hapless villain.

"Do you know who I am?"

What kind of question is that? He just told you not five minutes ago! For some reason this is starting to feel like an awfully bad action film.

In keeping with the mood, Ryu spun about on one heel, whipping his blazer around him. For a moment I thought I saw something staring out at me in the small gap created by this act, revealing a part of his shirt, but it was probably my imagination.

Isn't this the part where the villain throws his coat away?

The atmosphere was killed by the fact that he had to refer to his notepad before slipping it back into his pants' pocket.

"You are... Suzumiya Haruhi."

Does that mask restrict the blood flow to your brain so much that it causes short-term memory loss?

He angled his head up towards us, causing his glasses to flash. The President of the Student Council, A.K.A. Koizumi's puppet, had nothing on him in terms of special effects. (However...)

"So?"

He tilted his head to one side. Whether he was confused or challenging her, I'll never work out because of that damned mask! And since when was smoking a cigarette sticking out the side? Alright on closer inspection it's a lollipop stick, but things need to stop happening so I can catch my breath before I pass out!

I'm not sure where his gaze was situated, but his raised eyebrow seemed to say he pitied my situation. Believe you, me friend, there's a world's difference between my situation and the trouble you're in. Thankfully, I was released from Haruhi's vice-grip, accidentally or otherwise, so I was now free to flap my arms around like I was trying to up-stage the Wright brothers in order to deter this person from speaking with the insane person in front of me. He didn't notice. In fact no one noticed.

How I wish to be as gleefully oblivious as the rest of you!

"So?"

Haruhi parroted him as that devious smile, only reserved for Asahina-san and the computer club president made its appearance on her face. She put her hands on her hips, leaned forward like a snake observing a mouse, and said:

"So, do you have any idea who the SOS brigade are?"

Some random club that you started up about a year ago that not only has no formalised set of activities or even a legitimate existence, but also manages to shake up the school's student body from time to time and make its members slaves to your every whim! Myself included! This was what I expected to come from the hidden mouth almost instantaneously.

Instead he rubbed his chin as his glasses slid down a little, revealing his eyes. They moved side to side, as if he had seen a UFO pass behind Haruhi and I. I was tempted to turn around myself, but had thought it better to keep an eye on Mount Krakatoa, if only to warn random passers-by.

"SOS..."

He trailed off for a moment, before snapping his fingers and pointed back at Haruhi with an arm that was bent like a praying mantis', ready to strike.

"You mean like 'May day?'"

"NO YOU IDIOT!"

Haruhi screamed at a volume that the whole school would be able to hear. And now it was Haruhi's turn to attempt wingless flight, as her arms waved up and down to the frequency of an African Humming bird's wings. I felt relieved that I had managed to slip out from her grasp; I could only imagine what kind of damage I would have suffered if I had been caught up in her fury.

I didn't know whether to laugh or be very worried. If this ridiculous pantomime goes on any longer, I might be forced to do both.

"IT'S SAVE THE WORLD BY OVERLOADING IT WITH FUN: SUZUMIYA HARUHI'S BRIGADE! ARE YOU RETARDED!?"

I was fairly sure that somewhere in the Arctic, a Russian nuclear sub was picking up some strange radio signals as Haruhi announced this fact to the entire world.

Although, she did have a point. Just what kind of person hadn't heard of the exploits of the infamous shadow organisation; the SOS brigade? Especially since he was apparently in the same class as its ringleader.

Okay, let's stop the action for a quick theory: "Ryu," an otherwise normal and outgoing second year student has to walk home due to the fact he missed his bus, and he's in a hurry, as he is a loving son and wants to be present for the family dinner. It is also his parent's wedding anniversary. So, he thinks it's a good idea to take a shortcut through the park, it's getting dark however, and he might be late if he doesn't hurry up.

Suzumiya Haruhi, an insane, psychotic girl with a penchant for ruining people's lives, looks out the window one night and thinks "wouldn't it be cool if a meteor containing alien life crash-landed in the park?"

Suddenly, a peaceful celestial body changes its course to head directly towards earth. Mostly breaking up in the atmosphere, due to the laws of friction, and a sliver or rock hurtles towards an innocent student's head and knocks him unconscious. Said student suffers from critical amnesia, and due to the alien life form taking up residence in his brain, thinks it's a good idea to come to school the next day dressed as a ninja with no recollection of the events of the past year.

It might sound clichéd, but it's the closest thing to a reasonable explanation I can come up with.

Anyway, back to the action.

"Oh… the SOS brigade,"

Ryu exclaimed as if he had been explained the underlying principals of Quantum Physics, and now understood them.

"Didn't you guys…"

He suddenly slid his right foot back, turned himself sideways and readjusted his glasses over his eyes (which flashed as he did so) while his hand acted as if it was sliding up the frets of an invisible guitar before pointing at us in what could only be described as a "rock star" fashion.

"…make a **** film?"

I'm so appalled I can't actually move.

Oh boy.

Haruhi, on the other hand, looks as if she's ready to rampage through the town shooting radioactive beams out of her mouth.

"You, know with waitresses and bunny-girls, all kinds of ****y stuff."

Please stop.

"Eh? Maybe it's because I was using the Western expression. You know, a p-"

I can't look.

"JUST-"

Haruhi begins in a voice that would shake mountains.

"…"

What happened to the apocalypse? Where's the fiery hail and the raining frogs? I opened my eyes to observe my surroundings. They were (thankfully) unchanged; save for an empty space where that masked idiot should have been. Had he simply ceased to exist because Haruhi, who, with arm still outstretched like a railway gate and blinking like a warning light, had wished it? A frightening thought, but it meant that crises like these wouldn't crop up because of one cos-playing jer-

_Squeak_.

The sound of a sharpie pen being run against something plastic. About an inch away from Haruhi's legs.

We both looked down.

"I swear these skirts get shorter every time I see 'em,"

said the squatting ninja as he held a pocket ruler which he was marking with his pen, not two inches away from Haruhi's skirt. (Oh, and his blazer was draped over his shoulders. When or how this happened was not important.)

_Eek! Pervert!_ Kick, stomp, stomp, dial 110, would have been the normal thought processes of a 17 year-old girl in this situation. However Haruhi just stood there, frozen, as if having been dealt a knockout punch but wasn't quite sure when to fall down.

Does Sun Tzu say that the best way to disarm an opponent is to do it in the most embarrassing way possible? If so, Lord Nobunaga's armies must have run stark naked across the fields of battle and the Qin dynasty was founded upon men who dressed like circus clowns.

Speaking of clowns, the one below me put away his stationary into his bottomless pocket and stood up, once again holding his blazer over his shoulder by the collar. Just put the damn thing on!

"About your club…"

He said to the frozen Commander.

"I'll think I'll pass."

What universe does this person's logic come from?

I was expecting Haruhi to come back with some retort or, more likely jump on him and savage him like a Burmese tiger. However, it seemed she was as frozen as a monument to her greatness.

But Ryu still hadn't finished speaking and he did so in a "thoughtful" manner, i.e. rubbing his chin;

"Secret societies and all that might seem fun, but really it's just one person barking orders whilst everyone else does the hard work. In my opinion, those people deserve the credit."

Just how long have you been stalking us?

"It's like my old man says 'if you stand on people's heads too long, one day someone's gonna reach up and pull you back into the mud.'"

Just who is your 'old man'? Karl Marx?

"Me?"

He said, answering a question that nobody had asked.

"I stand on my own two feet."

And with that he spun back around on one heel, and whipped his blazer around him as he put it on, revealing, sigh, the stencil of an Oni's face printed on his shirt's back. I could say it grinned back at me, but I was too busy looking for the white van and the men with the straight jacket so I could plead with them to _please take me with you_.

"Anyway, I couldn't even if I wanted to. I've got baseball practice down at the Municipal Sports Ground every other day! Ciao!"

Then he was gone.

Ciao!?

The bell's chime must have acted like the golden needle for the medusa-stricken Haruhi, as her joints relaxed. Was she shaking?

Perhaps, having looked through the cursed mirror, she had seen the error of her ways and was prepared to enjoy an ordinary school life?

_Oh god_, I thought as she turned around, _she's_ _got that look in her eyes again._

With eyebrows set in determination, irises sparkling like the Horsehead Nebula and maniacal grin on her face, she said (or more accurately, yelled);

"There's going to be an SOS brigade activity this afternoon! All latecomers and absentees will be executed!"

Don't tell me we're going back to the baseball field on the Municipal Sports Ground. Please?

"We're going to the baseball field!"

And with that she ran off like a jet that had broken the sound barrier into the next period.

What, is she in denial or something? If you want to pick a fight, just walk up to him and challenge him yourself! He's in our class after all!

*

Would this day never end? I sighed as I sat down with my comrades at lunch. The silver-haired Taniguchi and the brainy Kunikida would calm my nerves with their inanity.

Despite there being no incidents between the two idiots [one of them had ignored the other, having run off to the cafeteria without so much as a quip between them], one that had seemingly popped into existence and the other one only acts like that, if human memory is to be trusted and that this is not all some bizarre simulation or weird dream. Damn, I'm starting to sound like Koiz-

Just what curse have you placed upon me, you grinning idiot!?

As you may have guessed my mood had not improved, despite the lull and relative safety of the classroom. That was because, instead of having to suffer under one set of radioactive eyes today, a second set made their mark on the back of my neck. How do I know? During English, I snuck a quick look behind me to check where, exactly, the ninja had been sitting this whole time. Sure enough, he had been conveniently sitting far across from me at the back of the class, next to the door looking at me as if I had offended him somehow.

A part of me screamed, _how couldn't I have noticed he was sitting there the whole time?_

A bunch of mundane reasons popped into my head, and I wasn't going to think too hard about it. Logic had quietly stepped out of the room for today.

"So, they've finally met!"

Taniguchi said as he shovelled down his fried rice. It was pretty much a universally known fact, so I would have been surprised if he hadn't.

"What do you think, are they going to date or something?"

"Heaven help the universe that occurs in. Why are you asking me, anyway?"

Taniguchi looked shocked to the point that his jaw dropped. That's disgusting! I don't want to see your processed food, so stop gawking!

He shrugged, and continued on,

"I don't blame you for not knowing, any normal person would ignore people like that."

Ah, so is this your attempt at a subtle dig?

I remained silent, as time and time again, Taniguchi would fill me in on the details of such things, whether I wanted to hear them or not.

"Anyway, basically, the guy's a bit of a freak,"

An astute observation.

"Do you have to talk so loudly? He's sitting right over there."

"Don't worry; if it's not class time or Okabe-sensei isn't talking to him, those headphones are blasting music into his brain 'around the clock.'"

Taniguchi said, testing out a new English phrase. It seemed awfully similar to the words that someone who had decided to poke a hibernating grizzly bear with a stick would say.

"As I was saying,"

Taniguchi said, looking annoyed.

Fine, I was only worrying about your own personal safety, go ahead into the minefield if you want.

"He was enrolled at East Middle, and before you ask, yes he has always dressed like that, I heard it was due to some skin condition, but I think it's just some weird fetish he has. Most people just ignore him, unless it's impossible not to. For some reason Okabe-sensei likes him, maybe out of pity or something and it always seems like he's always writing notes, yet when the tests arrive, he only scores average marks. I guess some people were born to fail, eh Kyon?"

You're one to talk.

"Is there anything else?"

"Yeah, since last year, he's been getting himself kicked out of all the clubs. Like, _banned_ if you know what I mean."

"What did he do?"

"There are a lot of rumours, but they're probably all true knowing that guy."

Oh good.

"Let's see… He got kicked out of the Supernatural Study Club for bringing in a live chicken as a sacrifice, the Computer Club for disassembling the chief's old computer, he quit the baseball club for being 'way out of their league…' Hey, yeah and then there was that incident with the rock club, where he forced the lead guitarist (ah, what was her name?) to 'duel him.' Long story short, he didn't stop until his fingers were bleeding and the poor girl was too horrified to continue on. Even that was overshadowed by your lot."

I briefly contemplated what would have happened if he had done the same with Haruhi, before Taniguchi continued on his rant like a preacher conducting a sermon.

"I tell ya, I hate guys like that! They always need to prove that they're "number one" no matter who their opponent is. I mean, who could make a cute girl cry and then pretend nothing happened the next day? I even heard he was the real reason she sprained her wrist during the cultural festival!"

"Um, actually…"

Kunikida piped up,

"I heard he had to help out a friend at another school's event day. Where'd you hear that rumor?"

I noticed that there was a lot of hearsay about this person, but was anyone actually talking to him?

"Pfff,"

Taniguchi dismissed Kunikida's statement,

"A convenient alibi. As far as I know the only "friends" he has are some random cos-players that hang out near a run-down arcade downtown. Anyway, what kind of person doesn't go to their own school's cultural festival? It's traitorous, I say!"

It's better than just standing around complaining that you're bored, and how do you even know these things?

"I have my sources,"

Taniguchi said, trying to act mysterious.

I have my doubts. I looked to Kunikida for some guidance, but he only shook his head.

"Oh, yeah, back on the subject of clubs, after that incident with the rock club, no one would take him, not even the rugby team! I'm surprised that Suzumiya's Weird Brigade still hasn't picked him up yet!"

What are we, some sort of school-based asylum? I admit that if you listened to what the members thought they were (and had proven to me) and that its leader is certifiably insane, you would think that. However, ever since that failed recruitment exercise, I sincerely doubted Haruhi would start looking for new additions. Besides, she only had interest in first year students.

However, I had to warn him. That was certain. Out of concern for the universe's safety, rather than his of course.

I stood up.

"You aren't going to actually talk to him are you? The guy's a jerk!"

Taniguchi whined.

I glanced at Kunikida, who seemed to be showing his approval. What were these guys? The two knights problem?

"He's actually a pretty decent person to talk to, although we don't have any common interests."

I might as well have flipped a coin. However, with the fate of the universe on my shoulders I walked over with my untouched lunch like a galactic defender towards the shadowy figure, who was digging into a lunch consisting of a cup of noodles and a brand-name American cola with a red can. It didn't look very appetizing.

As I approached, he set down his cup, while a lone noodle retreated behind his veil like a snake's tongue. Gross.

Does he ever take that costume off for anything?

I noticed that his sunglasses were about half way down his nose and his freaky eyes were staring up at me.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all? No, this wasn't a good idea in the first place, but, just as the garbage needs to be taken to the dump or the dishes cleaned, this was one of life's unpleasant jobs that had to be done.

"Yo,"

I greeted him as I set down my lunchbox on his desk and pulled up a chair. Besides, from the testimonies of my friends, he doesn't seem dangerous, maybe a vastly egotistical and a suicidally insane person, but not one to bring harm to others.

"Shouldn't a guy like you be ignoring a 'person like me?'"

He asked as I sat down.

I looked back at Taniguchi who, suddenly became interested at what was going on outside.

Moron.

Trying to move the conversation away from what stupid people may or may not have said, I pressed on:

"I have to tell you something,"

I began, but he raised left hand towards me to cut me off.

He slid his sunglasses back up over his eyes with the middle finger of his right and pointed towards the desk that I had been sitting at.

"Before you do, what is that grey-haired guy's name?"

"Taniguchi,"

I responded, feeling a little nervous.

"Thanks."

He picked up the empty cola can.

"Hey! Taniguchi!"

"Eh?"

The can made a hollow sound as it collided with my unfortunate friend's face.

What was that I said about him being completely harmless?

"What the hell is wrong with you? I can sue you for assault and have you expelled for this!"

Ryu's voice suddenly changed from smooth to nasty as he yelled back:

"Oh yeah!? Well how about we make it even with a sexual harassment lawsuit? My friend wants you to stop stalking her!"

Taniguchi opened his mouth and shut it, looking at me with suspicious eyes, before yelling back:

"What the hell are you talking about?"

He then packed up his things and left in a huff. Kunikida shook his head with a nervous smile before carrying on after Taniguchi.

I could only wonder what the world was coming to as I watched them go. My head turned back to the source of my current troubles. He was looking in the opposite direction, resting his head on his hand in a pose that could be described as "melancholy." He was also twirling a finger on the desk.

"That must have been a pretty lousy date… Right next to Christmas too…"

Are you suffering from bi-polar personality syndrome? You just threw a can at another student's head!

"Yeah, yeah… no, I don't think you'll see him again, but this is the last time. We're even now. Beat up your own boyfriends… no… Anyway, I've got to go. Bye!"

He turned back to me and removed the black flip-out cell phone from over his ear, or at least where they should be underneath the covering.

"Sheesh,"

He sighed as he snapped his cell shut, looked up and splayed his palms, as if to say "why me?"

I suddenly felt very nervous. Was he some sort of schoolyard assassin?

I perished the thought. Only such things exist within the fiction of anime and manga, of which Haruhi had seemingly little interest in. This guy was just a cos-playing moron with a death wish. I briefly contemplated leaving him to his own fate, but since I had come this far, I might as well continue forwards, off the edge of the waterfall and into the spiky rocks if necessary. After all, wasn't I the guy who would walk with someone, even when they fell off the cliff?

"As you were saying?"

He sounded bored.

"I have to tell you something, it's about the SOS brigade."

"Oh?"

He turned to face me and crossed his fingers like a mafia's don listening to his subordinate. I squirmed a little in my seat. Do you always have to be this imposing when people talk to you? No wonder they do their best to ignore you!

I sighed, took a deep breath and explained the situation, about Haruhi, espers, aliens, time travellers, and just how much danger he was in. He seemed pretty interested in what I had to say, as he kept on leaning closer and closer, giving a few "oh?"'s and "ah"'s. As I finished, his face was so close to mine that I could feel the pressure of his stare from behind those glasses. You can probably guess who this reminds me of. I swore that as soon as I got to the club room I would find out what the hell that person had done to me.

I also noticed that his eyebrows were twitching in an odd way.

"That…"

He sounded like he was choking on a cherry pip.

"… Is the funniest thing I've heard all day!"

He then burst out into a laugh that would put even the craziest of cartoon characters to shame.

What a jerk.

_Fine, if you want to play in the Phlegraean fields, don't let me stop you!_ I thought as I stood up, my face red with embarrassment, feeling the eyes of my fellow students on my back as I left.

I was glad Taniguchi wasn't here to see me prove him right!

Like a wasp returning to the hive, I zoomed towards the club room hungry and pissed off.

Damn him! Damn that Taniguchi for being right for once in his miserable life! And damn that esper for infecting my mind with his girly face!

Koizumi, Koizumi, Koizumi! Just what the hell are you good for anyway? All you ever seem to do is sit back with that stupid grin on your face and flap your mouth whenever something weird happens!

I stopped myself in front of the literature club's door and felt like a light bulb had turned on over my head.

Oh.

I realized why he had been on my mind ever since that masked moron appeared.

When something weird or unusual happened he would explain. Everything.

*

I knocked on the door, and was treated to the sweet sound of Asahina-san's "Come in," which just melted my anger away. You could make a fortune from making one of those relaxation CDs, because your voice is enough to sooth a raging storm.

Hey, Koizumi, staring is rude.

It only seemed that the esper, who adjusted his gaze and gave his usual enigmatic smile in greeting, and the time-travelling Asahina-san, who was looking sexy in her maid outfit as always, were in the illicitly gained club room. I found Nagato's (the magical alien data-interface) absence conspicuous, and just as I was about to comment on that, the person sitting opposite moved first.

"My, you look like someone stole your lunch,"

He laughed effeminately at this hilarious observation.

And you look like someone's glued a smiley mask on your face, but you don't hear me complaining about it.

"Shouldn't you be out slaying giants right now?"

Koizumi raised his eyebrows in surprise, but his expression did not change.

"Oh?"

I found my eyes getting drawn away from this idiot to the divine image behind him; Asahina-san brewing tea. I could watch for hours.

"What do you mean?"

I felt like someone had rudely interrupted my favourite T.V. show to remind me of some unfinished homework.

"Some idiot wearing a ninja mask managed to upset the Queen of Hearts after our school photograph."

"Really?"

Was this idiot acting or something? Because it's better than usual! And why are you standing so still, Asahina-san?

"He said he had a skin condition or something."

Sheesh, I shouldn't have to give the SOS's master of mystery this many free hints. I'm going to have to start charging him 500 yen apiece if-

_Clunk_, the tea tray dropped from Asahina-san's hands onto the floor next to Koizumi. Was this the "clumsy maid routine" coming into full blossom? The fact that she had gone sheet white told me "no." In fact she looked like a mouse that had realized it was in the cat's den.

What's wrong Asahina-san?

"I just remembered! I l,l,left something back in the classroom! I'll bring you your tea soon!"

She bowed over and over again, as if she had done something wrong. I was afraid that she might bang her head on the desk if she kept this up.

"I'm so sorry!"

Looking like the ghost of a beautiful maid, she picked up her bag and disappeared out of the club room. It must have been awfully important as she was still in her maid outfit when she rushed out, gracefully closing the door behind, as if it had been blown shut by a gentle breeze. If anyone spends longer than 0.2 seconds admiring her, I'll make them regret it! That costume is reserved for the Literature Club room and nowhere else!

Koizumi picked up the dropped cups and delicately placed them on the table as if they were sacred relics, to reveal that they were surprisingly intact, and even more surprisingly; empty.

"Maybe there was some "classified information" that needed sorting out."

Like you're one to cast suspicion, you grinning devil.

"Of course, it is true that it may have been a misplaced item of importance."

Stop leaning so close to me with that weird look on your face!

"So, who is this person? I can tell you now that the President of the Student Council would not engage in such reckless behaviour."

Damn, he was my second guess.

With a sigh, I explained the recent, bizarre turn of events. Koizumi's expression changed to one of a person in deep thought, taking a short break halfway to serve me and himself some hot water with tea-leaves in it. That particular expression on his face was always a warning sign that as soon as he opened his mouth, he's going to spout some bullshit about his favourite topic: Haruhi Suzumiya. Here he goes:

"I'll have to look into it,"

He said as he stood up, looking like a native bird that had spotted a Canadian Woodpecker's egg in its nest.

What? No inane theories from you? No tea from Asahina-san? No Nagato? Just what is wrong with everyone today?

He picked up his bag, and said before waving good bye:

"Although it's probably just an unusual student, there's something about this that, I hate to sound clichéd, doesn't seem quite right. I'll have to ask my superiors, I'm only on the bottom rung, you see. Tell Suzumiya-san I can't make the club activity today."

He closed the door behind him silently, like a teenager sneaking out from his room late at night.

So, I was alone in the club room, bewildered like a man who had walked from his home to see the beach, but found only desert. As time passed, I realized that Asahina-san wasn't coming back. Damn, well I guess I'll see her in the afternoo-

Oh shit.

I had forgotten to tell her we were going to the Municipal Sports Field after school.

*

So here we stand, two monkeys looking out from one side of the cage. One of them had a particularly nasty scowl on their face, and would, from time to time rattle the fence in frustration.

Can't we go and sit down? There are seats right behind us.

"This is your fault."

Don't blame me; you're the one who usually tells everyone but Asahina-san and I what you're planning to do. Think of it as karma.

"Where did everyone go?"

Haruhi grumbled as she watched the team warm up.

So here we are at last, returning to the field that on one fateful day the SOS brigade et al triumphed over the Kamigahara pirates, due to the assistance of magical alien bookworm, and part-time saviour, Yuki Nagato in an upset that won't be recorded in the annals of baseball history, considering the fact that one of the team members was my younger sister. So basically we cheated. A lot. Why? Because if missy here happens to lose at… well anything, the very fabric of reality would be messed up and the next thing you know blue giants are roaming underneath a grey sky.

Under no circumstances would I be doing _that_ again to save the universe if it should happen a second time.

I looked around. The team that was practising didn't seem to have any ninjas on it, or anyone with sunglasses, or anyone with spooky red eyes. Just a bunch of ordinary people training for the next game. I wasn't quite sure of the team's name, but I had some reason to think it had something to do with bears. Why? The mascot was sitting a few levels above us, apparently interested in the team or deep in thought, as he had adopted the position of Rodin's most famous work.

"You know, he could have just _said_ he was going to baseball practice."

Haruhi made a noise that told me I should have kept my mouth shut.

With nothing else to do other than watch until Haruhi got bored, or that masked idiot showed up I tried to distract myself by paying close attention to anything out of the ordinary. Trust me on this, my luck tends to be better than hers in these matters.

Inside the cage seemed pretty ordinary. Despite the heavy rain the pitch was still in fairly good condition, and there were the usual groupings of white lines and bases, from which batting drills and team-building exercises were being performed. No sign of any ninjas.

Outside the cage it was empty seat after empty seat, except for the mascot, the girl in the hooded raincoat and the two idiots standing up next to the fence, all on the side of the field closest to the home plate.

Hold on, when did she arrive? And why does she remind me of a witch?

Ah, I see Yuki. Your secret's safe with me.

Observing us from afar, the SOS's guardian angel was making sure that if Haruhi got bored, the city-destroying squid monster that turns would be dealt with quietly.

As time ticked away, I felt like I was back in school, still waiting for my photo to get taken before Caesium met Water and nearly leveled the place.

Hmm… I'm running out of interesting things to talk about. Well, the walk and bus-ride here weren't particularly exciting, but I did notice that there was a particularly expensive-looking car in the parking lot, complete with hood ornament. I felt a little contemptuous of the person who owned it, being able to show off so much wealth whilst I was being bled dry by Haruhi's "last to show, first to pay" rule.

Come to think of it, on the number plate had the team's logo on its number plates so… Was it the manager's car? Anyway, it was the only car in the parking lot, making it look as though it required all that space for its owner's ego. Now who does that remind me of… ?

At some point, Haruhi must have delivered one of her deadly elbow strikes to my ribs as they began to ache.

She scowled at me and said,

"I can't concentrate with your stomach rumbling like that! Go and get something to eat and stop annoying me! Buy me something too!"

"Yes commander!"

Although I would never say that out loud.

As I walked away from the fence towards the vending machines out the back of the stands, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the mascot began making its way down the steps, as if to follow me.

Using a trick that I had seen in one of those spy films, I walked through the passage outside and abruptly turned the corner, waiting for my tail. Sure enough, the bear followed me out, and turned its head side to side, as if it was looking around.

"Hands up you grinning idiot,"

I said, pointing my finger at him like a gun, feeling like a regular gumshoe.

The bear stepped out of the passageway towards me, before taking off its over-sized "head." As if he was another segment of a Russian doll, the esper's head popped up as he placed the head underneath his left arm and gave me a bitter smile.

"It seems my skills in disguise are in need of revision, how did you know by the way?"

"It's the weird vibes you give off. I can sense them. That's hardly a disguise, by the way."

I'm not giving you any hints on how to stalk me.

"Oh? Well I'll need to do something about that then. I thought that conspicuity in this context would make me inconspicuous, don't you agree?"

He flipped his bangs in an annoying manner.

"So, did you find out anything?"

Koizumi shrugged and sighed over-dramatically.

"It seems we need a bit more time for anything clear, but I can tell you this; 'Ryu' is tangled up in many webs."

Could you be any more vague?

"He's a slave to many masters."

Noticing the unimpressed expression on my face he waved his free hand in an apologetic manner.

"Unfortunately that was all I could find out at the office. The higher-ups are reluctant to give out more information than is necessary, but in basic terms: many factions have interests vested in him."

"So what, he's her brother or something?"

For some reason this seemed particularly funny to Koizumi, as he laughed like a clucking chicken before replying:

"Nothing so scary. I don't know what I'd do if there was more than the one God roaming this earth."

I know some people who'd disagree with that idea and you should be damn thankful I'm not on their side.

"We are, and your services will be rewarded. But for now I must bid you adieu,"

He said as if completing the final soliloquy before the curtain fell. He then smothered his face with the over-sized bear head and vanished around an unseen corner.

As if on cue, Haruhi appeared out of the same walkway, looking as though she was searching for a rare bird, looking around with a hand over her brow. What is this, an ensemble play? If so, when's my scene with Asahina-san?

Having found neither hide nor hair of the invisible creature, Haruhi graced me with her presence.

"What?"

I asked, moving my back off the wall.

"I forgot to tell you what I wanted!"

She commanded me like a spoiled toddler and not wanting to see myself underneath that grey sky (different from the one above) I obeyed (under protest.) I was left wondering just how much that slim body could consume and a wallet that was drier than the Sahara.

As we did so, I got strange feeling you get when you're watching a horror movie, and something moves just on the edge of the camera, usually accompanied by some weird screeching of a violin. Afterwards, the protagonist would say "it's nothing."

Of course it was nothing!

I sighed. Maybe I could get an advance on next week's pocket money?

As usual I was stuck with carrying everything and obviously taking pleasure out of my suffering, Haruhi's good spirits returned, as usual. Damn! Maybe if I had said "no" once in a while she might let me off for an afternoon, but then who would be there to stop her?

'Ryu,' if you ever manage to fall into the hands of this evil tyrant, I'm making you my number one subordinate.

Anyway, we finally sat down on the front row seats, giving my legs a much needed rest. I had a quick look around to see where the costume-wearing idiot had disappeared to. It seemed he had taken a seat on the other side of the grounds. Real inconspicuous, Haruhi hadn't noticed, but that wasn't the point of the exercise. You're waiting for someone else…

Wait, Yuki too? I looked up to see that the hooded figure was still lurking above me. Possibly even Asahina-san, who left me like a beautiful mirage in the desert without something to quench my thirst? Just who or what is this person?

If he turns out to be the slider, I'm going to eat my own hair.

Time passed and the clouds broke up to reveal the sunset, which bathed everything in its red light. It was a pleasing effect, soothing my nerves whilst I chewed on some seaweed strips, satiating my starved soul.

What does this ambience remind me of?

A boy and a girl in school uniform, sitting side by side, watching a mock ball game as the sun sets. It seemed like something out of one of those cheesy idol dramas, aliens, espers and missing time travellers excluded.

Was this a date?

The way that Haruhi's head turned to look at me, like a doll possessed by an angry spirit told me two things:

1. No.

2. I had said that out loud.

Like a rocket being sent into outer space, I was sent flying towards the bin outside with bits of plastic detritus falling out of my arms. I dealt with these for some time to be away from Haruhi's wrath.

Just what did she expect to happen when and if that moron turned up anyway? He'd probably disarm the bomb for a few seconds and disappear with it on "random timer" mode. Then again, Haruhi has the ability to ignore what the statistics show and rampage onwards like a runaway train. So, taking into account the past year, I would say that this is an ambush, for which gillie suits and heat vision goggles were better suited to than school uniforms and a bellyful of junk.

I found Haruhi standing back at the fence, giving me a glare as I walked to my seat. I was only kidding anyway, since most of your actions are pretty meaningless, outside of having people do what you want because you're bored.

The mock game wasn't very interesting, as the players didn't really seem to have any contrasting skill sets, or they weren't taking it very seriously. It was only when a very lanky, "fast-type" person appeared on the mound that things got intriguing.

He would wind up for the pitch, his arm would swing round… and the ball would appear in the in-keeper's hand. What kind of world-record speeds was that ball being thrown at?

Haruhi, however appeared to show no interest, as her shoulders sagged with disappointment. It was kind of depressing to look at, like a kid asking for a bike for Christmas, but instead received a pair of in-door shoes. I wanted to tell her to give up on meeting him again, he was just some random prankster and hopefully that "slave to many masters" talk wouldn't have relevance at a later date.

I was forced to eat my own thoughts as Haruhi suddenly perked up, and astonished gasps came from inside the cage.

Looks like the main event had arrived.

How he had entered the cage and made his way to the home plate without anyone noticing were probably just minor details in the world that his and the person next to me's minds came from. But it seemed like the fact was undeniable; standing at the plate in thongs, his school pants, his defaced, un-buttoned shirt revealing a white undershirt with the with the words "batting demon" haphazardly painted on it (does he ruin everything he lays his hands on like some reverse King Midas?). His stupid ninja mask was next, as well as his B-film star sunglasses, and a new addition was flapping around on his head in the sudden and convenient breeze; a banzai head-band with the number one placed in the middle of the red sun.

Just how many T.V. shows is this guy trying to rip off? The sheer weight of the cliché's would crush a normal person's spirit.

Oh, and he was holding a dented steel bat over his right shoulder like an Oni wielding his… No more like a delinquent who was ready to trash someone's car.

"So,"

He began, pointing the dilapidated bat at the pitcher like he was signalling for a home run.

"I hear you're the number one fast baller around these parts. Are you ready to fight against someone worth their uniform?"

Please don't say you're from North High. Please don't say you're from North High!

The spectacle had turned into one straight out of a martial arts film (maybe my earlier deductions were correct, but the dates were wrong), where either the lone good guy had walked into the enemies' lair or the villain had walked into the good guys' base (speaking of lairs, the "run-down arcade down-town" was something I wanted to keep a secret from

Haruhi, lest she think it's a good idea to visit that place next), it was hard to tell. The rest of the fielders moved in, ready to pounce on the intruder, but the pitcher had raised his hand to stop them had been obscured by his cap told me he had adopted the role of the "villain."

Where was the hero then?

I briefly looked around for someone with an ounce of common sense, but unfortunately the only movement they had made in the past several hours was standing up from their seat. Yuki, I mean, not the costume wearing idiot who had disappeared.

I prayed that Haruhi, who was once again looking like a child watching the circus come into town, would not run onto the field and complicate things.

"Bring it on!"

The ninja said, returning the bat to his shoulder and stretching his left arm out, waving two fingers back and forth as a signal to the pitcher. To me, it looked like he was making an offensive sign.

_Whap!_

"Strike one!"

The ninja stood still as the in-keeper threw the ball back to the pitcher. Maybe he was in shock of just how far out of his league he was. Serves you right.

_Whap!_

"Strike two!"

Again, no movement from the ninja, apparently this was hilarious to the opposing team, as they began to laugh and jeer. Haruhi was watching fiercely now, gripping the fence as if it was the edge of a cliff. So now it's a "try or die" situation? That seemed like his style, leaving things to the last minute to prove just how great he was.

Unfortunately he was going to learn the sting of cold, harsh reality.

The pitcher wound up, his arm swung around and…

_Strike thr-!_

Like a statue of an ogre springing to life, Ryu, eyes burning and glasses shining, shifted his weight and swung the bat in such a way that he was practically giving the ball an upper-cut.

_Boom_. I'm fairly sure that's the last word you'd use to describe the connection between ball and bat, maybe a _clunk_ or a _whack_, but that's what happened as the ball went sailing up into the sky, with more height than distance.

Somehow, the cos-player had found the time to drop the unfortunate bat, walk over to the pitcher who was either in shock or incredibly angry, because his mouth was wide open as if he was a German Shepherd ready to bite, and give him some tips. He had one arm over his "pupil's" shoulder and scratching one leg with the other as he did so. The ball was still on its descent.

"It's a hard fact of life, there're always people better than you out there, so you have to go out into the world, find them, and beat them. Oh, and never judge a book by its cover y'know? As the saying goes; 'the eagle only shows its talons at the last second.'"

He waved his other arm about as if he was giving an actor stage direction. The rest of the team had been frozen in place while their heads followed the ball, like those clowns you find at Western-themed festival attractions.

I sincerely hoped that Haruhi wasn't taking any of this idiot's words to heart.

My attention was drawn to the ball. How could anyone hit anything so high? Even Haruhi's swing was grounded within the laws of physics! And if it keeps going it might even reach the-

_Smash._

The high-pitched scream of a car-alarm wailed out into the afternoon.

For a second, everyone seemed frozen in place, before someone (probably the coach or team manager) yelled out in a heavy baritone:

"Grab that punk!"

The scene then proceeded to play out like a police chase from a Charlie Chaplin film, but only the main character had been sped up. Maybe if this idiot hadn't gotten himself kicked out of all the unusual clubs previously, he would have found a good way to expend all his unnecessary energy on the track and field, just as I'd wish that the person who was now dragging me by the collar would do the same.

I noticed, due to the odd angle of my head, that the girl in the hooded coat had disappeared.

I suddenly found myself standing at one end of the stadium where there was a wall blocking off a section of a nearby park. I'm guessing Haruhi's intuition had led her to this point in order to stop him. I couldn't actually speak because my breathing was being restricted by her iron grip on my collar.

"If you wanna catch water, you've gotta make a dam,"

Was what that masked idiot would say in response to such an idea. Ugh, why did I even care what he thought?

Sure enough, as if leading the 100 meters sprint at the Olympics, the ninja hurtled around the corner at breakneck speed, but instead of running past us, he skidded on the heels of his thongs to a halt, the force causing his sunglasses to slide down (I don't know what kind of gravity constant they were obeying, but this was how it appeared) and reveal his eyes. They showed a substantial amount of surprise for someone running into an insane girl and myself in a well-lit area.

He weirdly hopped around to his side and ran towards the wall, scrambling up and over it like a professional traceur.

I turned my head to face back behind me. The girl in the brown hooded coat (Yuki) was standing on top of the wall like a watchful spirit. When I blinked, she was gone.

Ah, well I guess that's the end of that then. When Yuki's on the job, be it sea-monster, yeti, rogue Data Interface thingy, snow blizzard or lost time-travelers, your problems would be taken care of. After all, she was the SOS's guardian angel.

Shortly afterwards, the baseball team came around the corner like an angry mob, and after receiving some misleading directions from Haruhi, continued on their comedic silent-film chase off into the sunset.

_Now that's a wrap_, I thought as I was freed from Haruhi's claw-like fingers. All the loose ends were tied up, and this wouldn't be connected back to the school, under the pretense that it could have been any idiot underneath that mask and I mean, what would have it sounded like to the police?

_Officer, a ninja interrupted my baseball team's practice and hit a home run deliberately in order to trash my car._

Case dismissed. I think everyone would be better off if they went into denial about this whole incident, because from tomorrow, to me, this never happened.

"Kyon,"

Haruhi said to me, as I dusted myself off.

She turned around to face me with eyes that sparkled like the streetlights that were coming on.

I had forgotten about this loose-end.

"We are going to have a club meeting tomorrow!"

I appreciate the fact that you, for once, are telling me this. But what for?

"To discuss strategy!"

Having said her piece, obviously not being prepared to elaborate on what she meant by "strategy" (sometimes I think random words fit themselves together in her head, and that's why she talks the way she does) she walked off humming _Beethoven's Ninth Symphony_ towards the bus stop like a one-woman marching band.

Being too drained to think up any alternatives, I followed suit.

After returning home, shamefully fooling my parents with the excuse of staying late at school to finish my homework, I went to bed early, too tired by the day's stupidity to do anything else.

_Well_, I thought as I adjusted the climate control and turned off the light, _it's one less thing to worry about_.

The last thing I remember thinking about from that day were the hidden gears turning in my bedside clock, marking the passage of time.

(End Prologue.)

Notes:

*Moon, Birdboot, etc. – The real inspector Hound

* Cultural refs needed.


	3. Prologue 2

1

**Prologue**

Wait, let me start again.

Perhaps my schizophrenia is developing faster than I had hoped, but it would seem that I have confused the events of the past day with some bizarre late-night television show or fever dream. In any case such things should not even be mentioned in the presence of that woman, just when her burning enthusiasm is being steadily reduced to an ember by this overly oppressive weather. I'll admit it would seem that summer has come early this year, and I pray that it has nothing to do with her wish for a repeat to what happened in the last.

However, I am a little disappointed that no one else ended up being dragged into this circle of misery, as a lull in activity will only cause Haruhi's spirit to flare up later like a red giant and inevitably consume everything in its path. Times such as those would be much more bearable if I had a subordinate who would at least assist in staying its progress no matter how futile the struggle might be. But what qualifications would be necessary for a person to find themselves in such a position? Kidnappings by the brigade leader notwithstanding can anyone really "measure up"? And such a question only brings the obvious "why me in the first place?" but I guess no matter how much I ask that, I'll never get the answer I want.

So, like a the never-changing Atlas, the members of the SOS brigade are stuck in place with the job of making sure that the sky does not fall, looking up once in a while to make sure it is still in the right place. Yet, my gut is telling me something is approaching from beyond the horizon, perhaps some all-consuming storm that will only be hinted at by the small slivers of white cumulus.

Just kidding! If I really thought like that I would be in a far worse state than I already am. I guess it really shows what kind of lull we are currently experiencing if even I am waiting for something to occur. But really, why should I be concerned if we continue to experience the doldrums if it also means the wind is taken from that girl's sails as well? If drifting aimlessly in the heat and humidity is the best we can hope for, I guess I can only prepare for what comes with the falling of leaves.


End file.
